Kristen Blog

I was just out there trying to get my life back to normal...AGAIN (it's a frequent occurrence)...but my heart wasn't in it.  I saw a couple of kids get out of the car in front of mine, but the mom wasn’t budging.  My interest piqued, until I saw the principal come around to the other side guiding a preschooler who was OBVIOUSLY ALSO NOT feeling it that day.  I thought to myself, "I hear ya kid."   This is why I am a counselor.  I FEEL your FEELS.  Seriously.   I do.  Jesse feels them, too. So, I asked for a sunny sabbatical, right?  I got as far as the planning phase, and then… "The weakness of his soul was in relying upon itself instead of trusting in you." -St. Augustine, Confessions [R.S. Pine-Coffin, 1961; p 122] I got snowed into the comforts of my own home with several days of sunshine to follow.  Who could have seen THAT coming??  I sat in a comfy chair in my dining room window for 3 days straight and soaked in every last bit...

Hey, so…it’s me.  Here I am.  Sitting on my throne, AND wearing my dog park shoes.  (Forgot to change.  It's the little things I tend to neglect.)  I do like to look GOOD when I rule, which borders somewhere between complete tyranny or total anarchy. So…Kristen for Queen!!    Fun!!   (I tried for the popular vote via write-in this year, but look where it got me...) If somber were a state of being...  😉😂 When Matt and I first started dating.  I looked at him one day and said (with full-on oblivious-Kristen serious intensity) “Let’s do something AMAZING!”  (You'll have to imagine the intense wild eyes.) I watched him crack into a million pieces right in front of me under that pressure.  (We have since learned to let ME bring the excitement.  He keeps our heads level.  Win-Win.  Ish.)  So…yeah, I tend to set my expectations a little 5 miles too high.  I prefer to keep my head above the clouds, anyway. ...

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear . But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 Ok, but...hear me out.  I FEEL like even Jesus can not identify with the agonizing depth of this relentless ache.  (Yes.  I am joking.) I am definitely, 100% sure the ONLY remedy for me right now (and that is putting all want aside, I assure you), is a new puppy.  (Here, not so much on the joking, but I will admit, I am currently having difficulty with the sorting out of ideas - good vs. bad.) But LOOOOOK at baby Jesse.  How could anyone say no to THAT face?? "When we are faced with some overmastering temptation, or some difficult task, we cannot conquer that temptation or shoulder that task in someone else's strength.  We must do so in our own.  It is then our plain duty to build up a faith which is our o...

Well, folks, I do believe I have moved on from the sadness, and (after a generous amount of reassurance from the ones I hold most dear) all that I'm left with is a little intensely targeted anger and frustration.  I have worked things out with my God, and He has told that vengeance is His.  So, I'm going to do my best to keep my mouth shut and keep my hands to myself, because all of my aggression and self justification never got me anywhere good. "Oh, it’s so hard, the eternal struggle between heart and mind." -Anne Frank; Friday, April 28, 1944 In all actuality, I have already experienced some really good things in the midst of another traumatic experience...and I quit fighting early enough this time to avoid much of a delay in the blessing.  I don't know why I have so much difficulty with biting the hand that feeds me sometimes.  ???  I think it's a trauma response.  I always relate myself to a wounded, feral animal in these situations.  (And don't ...

I’m pretty terrible, thanks for asking.  So, don’t let's waste ANY time. Stress picking...I'm a danger to myself these days. I got so dysregulated this week, I didn’t know what to do.  I’m still not really sure.  I failed in things I hold most dear, and I’m feeling REALLY stuck.  Stuck and lost.  Lost and trapped.  Trapped and suffocated.  Suffocated and terrified.  I wrote a poem about it for you.  It’s my first… Here, take my breath So you can breathe We’ll share the air  Just you and me Just you and…me Just you…and I am defeated, depleted, devastated and distressed.  My self doubt and self hatred are elevated, and I am fighting so hard, you guys!  I know I’m not alone, because look the blazes around you!!  But at the same time I am absolutely, TOTALLY, no question, without a doubt, DEFINITELY alone.   Because look around me!!  You all can come and you all can go, as much as you like, and there are enough of yo...

SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!! Winter is NOT my vibe…neither is this constant barrage. In this week's review, I am jittery, anxious, overstimulated, waking up at 1 a.m., teetering on the brink, jacked up, heightened, elevated, and I can't even find a shallow breath to breathe. (The latter ACTUALLY happened.  Have we talked about my propensity for choking on liquids?) Never fear, as always... I think I'll be alright.   Stolen...no credit.  What has happened to me??? I've just had the wind knocked out of me, for a time.  I'm going to get it back. And now, in case you can identify, YOU know you're not alone!  (That's kind of happy, right?!) Being brave doesn’t mean you don’t feel afraid.  It means you just keep going anyway.  It’s like integrity is doing the right thing no matter who is looking and how you feel.  As it turns out, I am offered a LOT of opportunities, like... When I heard a ruckus outside the bathroom window, and it sounded like a major ...