Adaptable

I give a lot of myself. For the most part, I am able to do that without need. I am very careful to make sure I am balanced. I pay severe attention to my feelings and moods, and I make sure my cup is full, as often as I can. I have learned to let go of the small things, to ignore the darts and daggers other people might throw at me and stay confident in my worth (because of where it is rooted). I am very aware. Some call it mindfulness. I call it gratitude. I look for things to appreciate. A lot of times it is in another person, and one of my favorite things to do is call out the beauty in someone else. It's always so shocking to a person when I notice the beauty. I don't know if it is the way I say it, which is often so happy and appreciative, because I am happy with the beauty I notice. Or it might be that people are so unused to unconditional compliments. Some of the places I go, I can't help but notice - so many, many people, and NO ONE makes eye contact; NO ONE smiles. And me...bubbling around the hallways...I am just a strange anomaly. That's ok. I don't care who thinks I am weird. I am bubbly and content. Unless I am not. Then, I give myself grace to cope. And that is what allows me to be so bubbly and content.


And, then, when I sensed I was capable, I put on my big girl pants and went right back to momming. I was still fragile and emotional. My heart was aching and torn. I sobbed, on and off, through both of the games. (And I don't really care how I looked to anyone else...the people who care about me will show me compassion and understanding, because what Mom hasn't ever gotten to that kind of breaking point?! I am fragile. I am not weak! Weak is worthless. Fragile is precious - to be protected. I am VERY well protected.) And sheesh! If I don't give myself these graces and understandings, who will?!

It is not easy, what I am doing. But, you know what? I have consciously decided to not take the easy way. And that is ok. Better, even. Easy would be turning my back on all this pain and suffering and need. Easy would be ignoring all the brokenness around me. Easy would be allowing myself to focus on my own selfish desires, despite the hurting of others. I have done plenty of that before, and I found it empty. As far as I am concerned, hard is better than empty. Hard might hurt, but it hurts a heck of a lot less than empty.
And, oh my goodness! I did not even GET to homecoming, and how I got left out at the winery with a bunch of unorganized teens, taking pictures, and how some lady told me we had to leave, and I didn't have a ride, and neither did like 6 of the kids?!! And I was internally freaking out, but I have gotten so good at maintaining an exterior calm despite my internal uproar (most of the time...that is important in counseling!). And I had to mooch a ride with some kid's parents and...WEIRD...but, as usual, I MADE it work, because I have made it my life's work to be adaptable.
But...this new kid. I wish we had more time, because this new kid is a gift from God. He is kind and respectful. He loves her brothers. He WANTS to spend time with them. And, oh my oh, I sure hope this new kid sticks around! But please don't tell them how happy I am, because I don't know if you noticed, but teenagers have a tendency to want to do exactly the opposite of what their parents say. It's ok. I will adapt.
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