Worry, Healing and Measuring Up

I can not even begin (nor am I at liberty) to describe ALL of the details that have contributed to making the last couple of weeks feel like a tsunami had hit me.  When I described it to Matt in that way, he said, "Except it wasn't just a tsunami.  You've been hit with a tsunami, an earthquake, a tornado and a hurricane all at once."

I find comfort in the day to day joyful routines.  In the midst of trauma, a little happy normal can also satisfy the soul.  My creek...in every season.  💕

Oh the empathy!  (This is why I told my counseling supervisor that my husband is my therapist...and meant it.). He made me feel valid in my emotions.  I mean, I worry about being overdramatic and just feeling sorry for myself, but...to say it's been rough would be a gross and disrespectful understatement to the tragedy we've endured, alone.  Add to it a series of other back to back emergencies and heavy responsibilities, and I'm just grateful I'm still able to stand.

Our school is learning to walk again...step by step, day by day...in the midst of a gaping, empty seat in the fourth grade.  The children are so resilient!  I know that none of them will ever forget this traumatic loss, but they press on, all the same.  And they continue to be an ever-present source of joy.

I, literally, said this week, "babies and puppies make everything better."  Children are a gift from God.  I can't count the number of times I have walked into a classroom a complete and utter grump, and those kids just instantly cheered my soul.

Time with family...and not having to make and clean up from dinner, also brings comfort.  Thank you to my m-i-l for providing a fun night and delicious pizza comfort food!

I have to admit, the dog park does it for me, too.  I have no idea what has happened to me.  

There are so many times that "precious" little handful has made me so mad I wanted to just open the door and let him out.  (I promise, I will never.  I have too much respect for my neighbors.). Three times, as of today, he has nearly killed our diva cat.  Oswald has zero survival skills.  He is TOTALLY a lover and not a fighter.  I do not understand the inconsistent vendetta Jesse has against him, but it is (quite sincerely) terrifying.  I can't leave them alone together...and we are ALL in the same house...a LOT.

He causes me so much stress, time and extra work.

But...after a year of denial, I finally admitted, as much as I (sometimes) hate him...I love him all the more.

I can't explain the unprecedented joy it brings me to take him to the park and see him interact with other dogs.  (He has NOTHING to do with the people.). He loves to play.  He loves to run.  I am not lying...he runs harder when I cheer for him.  You can, seriously, see him kick it into high gear as soon as I start clapping and I shout, "Go, Jesse, go!!"  (I'm sure the other people think I'm nuts, but...they say nothing, because so are they!) How does that not warm a mama's heart?  And halfway through our visit, he starts making this cheesy smile, and comes running over to me as if to say, "Thank you, mama!  This is so fun!"

I had you at puppy, didn't I? 💕💕💕. We are in LOVE with this new little guy.

He may be a blank-hole, but he is a CRAZY loyal, dedicated blank-hole...and I am grateful for the joy he brings me.  

In the midst of the tsunami, I had a moment when I didn't think I could move, let alone go on.  It just so happened Jesse was also insane that day.  

I really wanted to focus on other things, but...priorities.  

So, I dropped everything and took him to the park (in the extremely BITTER cold...and we were, BY FAR, not alone!).  It changed the entire context of my day.  Maybe it's just a relief to know there are other people who are as crazy enough to stand in the frigidness and watch their dogs play.  It's not crazy, after all...it's just what dog lovers have to do.  I think we will find it was all worth it, in the end.  Are you with me?

And speaking of dogs...literally EVERYONE is getting a puppy. The Covid trend continues.  I have one neighbor who just got one and another on a wait list.  Looks like Jesse will be in good company!

He will not, however, be getting a puppy brother any time soon...or ever.  And I will not, as my mother shockingly suggested, have another baby.  (I made it very clear the opposite would likely occur.)  So, the O'Haras - and my mom, apparently - will have to find other means "making everything better" as we progress through this time of healing and recuperation after the storm.

We will revel in the joy of our neighbor's puppy!  Jesse got to work showing him how to be a dog.  Everyone needs someone to emulate, am I right?

What stage are you in right now?  I am reading a Christian book about happiness, and the author talks about how we are all in our own battles.  Every day.  From the dry and mundane to the intense and traumatic...we are all fighting daily battles.  I have made a point, over time to try and stop the unneccessary ones, but I will admit...even just before this recent series began to unfold, I was feeling unsettled in my skin.  Most of it is senseless worry and anxious paranoia.  Life is scary.  Job change is big.  I'm not sure why I worry so much...it doesn't add a single hour to my life.  It actually wastes them.   Besides, if I had to summarize the new job, it is going remarkably well, from my perspective.  I feel like I was made for this.  But...I guess it's just because I care so much and I so desire to do well...and I have an ever-present fear that I am never enough.  (Matt says this is the proper attitude to have toward counseling.)

It sometimes feels like my security blanket has been ripped out from under me, and I'm not certain where I will land. 

However, if I stop and take time to acknowledge, there is no question I am walking on the path that God has paved.  I have entered into every phase of this with prayer.  I have made no decision or action without prayer and a sincere awareness to circumstance.  I have taken my sweet and precious time...not once did I rush to an impulsive decision.  Therefore, there is only the remaining decision to trust.  He will work ALL things to His good and for my ultimate well-being.  Although the walk may not always be easy, it will ALWAYS be toward my eternal prosperity.  And, for goodness sake, I wish I could realize these things in the midst and not only upon reflection.  But...

A lot of us tend to struggle with feeling like we will never measure up.  It's not JUST me, right?  (And in the way of comfort...the value of time with close, childhood friends is immeasurable.)

Better late than never.

Happy Week, my friends.  And to all my Kansas City friends...what about that game?!!  So glad I put things aside to take the time to enjoy those moments with my family.  Not a bad QB hero for my own son to emulate, would you agree?

Lovingly, 

Kristen