The Sam's Trip
Ugh. I can NOT.
Things have been going so well. Manageable at least. Matt has taken on a lot on the homefront to lift some of my stress, and it was starting to feel like I was actually going to make it.
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| I mean...I have plenty of chickens to happy-me. It's just... |
I took on a little more than usual today...house chores, finished Eden's prom dress that has taken me about 50,000 hours and cost about $70 to make. I have come to terms with the fact that, after all that time, effort, and money, she doesn't feel good about the way it fits.
I fixed all the problems on my end. The flaw is now the design. I finished the project to my satisfaction, and I will walk away content. (And probably donate it to some super tall, ultra skinny grateful recipient. I will donate through a third party, so I'll never have to know if it ends up in the trash. It wouldn't be my first project that went unused. It's why I don't tend to make things for anyone other than myself anymore. I'm competing against cheap perfection and unreasonably easy access to anything we want. And I am living in a disposable society.)
I, on the other hand, happen to despise waste. My tendencies border on hoarding, and I have to force myself to rein it in and throw things away (or donate them) sometimes. I just have a hard time NOT seeing the value in everything.
Unfortunately, if I hold on to everything, it makes my life unbearable chaotic and congested. And I end up having panic-induced meltdowns. (I think it's called burnout.)
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| I think only Jesse can understand this kind of exhaustion. |
Actually, finishing the dress today (despite its likely destination) felt good. I may have a disorganized tendency to take on too many projects, but I do, also, happen to be a finisher. (I have had to work on that aspect as well. Sometimes, it is in my best interest to give up. That is EXTREMELY difficult for a perseverant perfectionist.). I think it was my pride that made me see this thing through to the end. I had given up on sewing many years back. I had a couple of people in my life who set the bar pretty high, and I looked like a child trying to paint with Picasso. Sub par. I have since taught many classes of children that they should definitely have what we call in the counseling world a "growth mindset."
It's funny how much you learn when you are teaching.
I decided maybe I wasn't terrible at sewing. Maybe I was just a beginner who needed to learn. Learning can be costly...in both time AND money. I will admit I have a bit of debt accrued from my most recent education, but I can DEFINITELY tell you it was worth it.
I have learned so much from my counseling education. I have learned about people, in general. I have learned about myself, especially. I have learned about relationships and functioning, and I really think I am a better person for it.
FOR EXAMPLE:
The absolutely, positively most shocking irony of all...I became a counselor.
For the record, counselors are trained to be warmly empathetic. (That wasn't so hard. I can literally feel many things that are never spoken. Like...as a teenager, I knew in the pit of my gut when it was a bad day at home, as soon as I turned on the street. It's kind of creepy.)
Counselors are taught to listen without judgement (which REALLY means just ignoring the critical voice in your head…THAT skill becomes very selfishly helpful when the voice just happens to be criticizing myself.).
As it happens, counselors are also bound to this high-level, VIP-authorized-only world called CONFIDENTIALITY.
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| FYI...I do not feel obligated to maintain the confidentiality of those to whom I dedicate my ENTIRE life. (She will HATE that I shared this photo. But you know what? So be it. I gave her life 18 years ago tomorrow!!) |
However, when you give me a rule I can agree with...I will follow it with the faithfulness of man's best friend...obsessively, intensely, rigidly.
I am ferociously protective of the information I receive in a counseling session. I have somehow learned to compartmentalize my knowledge so that I can hear two perspectives of the same story as if they are two completely unrelated stories. I am so loyal to confidentiality I convince MYSELF I don't know information when it is not appropriate to share (or access) such information.
Because I BELIEVE that it is important to provide a safe space for people to share the burdens of their hearts without repercussion.
I needed that. It is the basis of what initiated the healing process for me.
And herein lies the irony. Can I call my first witness? I only need two, and only one can speak.
I am famous for being the world's biggest tattle tale. Ask my sister. I, literally, could NOT keep a secret as a kid, and I will NEVER live that down. (Maybe this is my way of repenting for my mistakes???). I don't feel guilty. I was a kid. And they were really pushing that story about George Washington and the cherry tree (which, by the way, I have heard isn't even true), and if I did ANYTHING in my life, it was LISTEN AND OBEY my teachers. Unfortunately, it took me about 40 years to realize I wasn't the problem most of the time, and I was probably the only one who gave a rip and put in the extra effort to "improve."
Good grief I am exhausting.
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| This girl is on FIRE! |
Anyway, the punchline is the tattle-tale became a professional secret keeper, and so the joke is on them. I learned from my mistakes. I grew, and I changed...FOR THE BETTER...you are welcome, sis. (Sorry it's a little late...💕)
And I am getting pretty comfortable with who I have become. UNTIL -
The stupid, ridiculous, unnecessary, regrettable Sam's Trip.
Dillon just HAS to have candy for testing week at school, and I had planned it into the day. We had extremely fun dinner plans, and it was just a simple stop on the way.
But I FELT my energy draining as I battled this demon-dress to the bitter end. (And I'm telling you...it was NOT good before, and now it is pretty-well perfect.). I should mention I've also been battling another intensely important task of crocheting my dead sister's senior picture, and I had to alter the eyes by hand, because the eyes in the picture look brown. For the record, I THINK I have conquered it...but I have another 70,000 stitches to go until I will feel know for sure.
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| Please don't tell me what you think. Sometimes we need encouragement above opinions. |
So...the added house chores on top of my very important creative challenges...had me feeling depleted. The one lap around the block with Jesse done did me in. (He is so strong and so hyperactive, and...I just can't go there right now. I'm so drained.)
I knew I should have put off the Sam's trip until tomorrow...that magic time when Matt is home. So, I mistakenly asked my teenage son if he could "live with that." Of course he can't. Why did I EVER give him a choice??? (Because I am a pushover. A tender-hearted, empathetic, boundary-challenged, pushover. At least I admit it.)
So we went. And I had a lot on my mind. And I was focused. And later in the car, I told myself, "You are really impatient." Because I was trying to throttle through the store and get out. And the kids were trying to have fun. But I am trying to be focused, and I realize now that I have to work VERY hard to be focused. And they were VERY distracting.
But...we secured my sugar-water future, acquired candy for testing and counseling, and we got a VERY belated birthday gift...thought, an admittedly sub-par gift card.
I was feeling pretty good, other than realizing I had been impatient trying to get through the store as quickly as possible.
But, rightly so...because we were the last to arrive at the dinner. (I took the uncomfortable corner seat as my own self-abasement. ...maybe THAT will teach me!)
It was an extremely enjoyable night. I'll admit, I was worried I would be disappointed as a vegetarian at a sushi bar, but KC Sushi has something for even the pickiest eaters. (Evan had chicken nuggets and fries.). Just, please, if you go...reserve a hibachi table. Those cooks work so hard!! And they make the entire experience 100%!!
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| And we had the ABSOLUTE best. A double-birthday celebration success. 💕 |
But the best part??? We were still hibachi-ing when Matt called me on his way home, so even my BEST friend got to taste a bit of the fun.
Unfortunately, all the joy crashed when we got home, and I was unloading my car, and I had the audacity to think, "Wait...what did I do with that gift card?"
[Insert an extra hour of searching...even going back to the store to check the cart rack at 8:30pm...to no avail.]
I am officially beaten. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I am...why?why?why?why?why?
But...the truth of it is...sometimes, there are no answers for why. Sometimes, we just have to ask, what. What did I learn from this??? I will gladly share what I have learned with you: while I hate waste, and I hate mistakes, and I despise my own imperfection...growth mindset says:
I am easily distracted. I have difficulty saying no. It is best that I don't take on shopping trips with the kids, especially when I am depleted AND/OR in a hurry. I am sorry I can't "Mom" like many others, who can take their kids on these expeditions and function satisfactorily. But the truth is I just am not. So...it would be better to admit my incompetence and enforce boundaries, so that I don't incur my own wrath over unnecessary waste.
I hope you, too, can learn from my mistakes.
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| So stick around, because I've made a lot. And I continue to make them every day. (Another point of irony???...the first word on the shirt I'm wearing...Hahahahahahahah!) |
Ah well, folks. Goodnight. Sleep tight. (Did you know there is more??? "Don't let the bed bugs bite. But if you do, take off your shoe, and beat them 'til they're black and blue." You are welcome.)
Kristen
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