Spring and Blossoming and BEST DAY EVER!

It's been awhile.  Business is picking up, and I am working HARD to be sure I do not get overwhelmed again.  It's so easy to lose the line between can and can't.  I've never been one for setting the best boundaries, after all.  

Me too, little guy!  Pushing boundaries and thriving outside the box.

I was comparing myself to "other moms" the other day (a task I do NOT recommend EVER).  I came across several situations where I realize I give my kids a lot more leeway than most.  For example, some 8th grade mom's were talking about submitting photos for the graduation video, and I commented that I was waiting for Dillon to choose some.  They were shocked, "Oh I will be choosing those photos."

I couldn't imagine how they get away with that..  

It happened again at prom pictures.  I was talking about how I won't post (generally) any pictures unless Eden approves them first.  They didn't seem to understand my reasoning.  Like..."It's a mother's RIGHT!" they seemed to say.  (Many of them had photos up before we left the house.  😂)

I don't normally post pictures of other people or their kids (unless they literally tell me they "want to make the blog")...but this group (I think we are missing more than a few) has been such a wonderful friend group for Eden.  I don't think I've ever known such a large group of girls to get along (relatively drama free) for such an extended period.  I am grateful for each one!!

Then, I realized...I am a counselor.  I care about their FEELINGS!!

Also, I am a pleaser AND a helper all wrapped up in one,  That makes for some trying scenarios.  It also makes me a bit of a pushover, but good thing...I married a capable disciplinarian.  He provides the balance in the force around here.

Lately, I've been better at listening to my needs instead of trying (and failing) to put everyone else's needs first.  I've been taking breaks and cutting corners where I can to leave room for full functionality where my efforts and abilities are most needed.  (I learned the long, excruciatingly, hard way.  That's my favorite.  😵)  

You will be proud to know I have not had any panic attacks or meltdowns in the last 24 hours.  ...kidding.  I'm just kidding.  I think it's been over a month.  I am feeling EXCEPTIONALLY better, and I am grateful to my sidekick for stepping it up and helping me get house chores done in a major way. 

Finding a work/life balance can be really difficult.  I have perfectionist tendencies, and I want to get it ALL done ALL the time.  And I have a big brain full of ideas that I tend to forget to corral.  (It's like when I was a kid...I thought I had to say out loud every thing I thought.  I literally remember the first time I realized that it was ok to think something and not tell anyone.) Unfortunately, in this world (at least), God made these weird rules about time limitations and rest requirements, and no matter how hard I try, I can not seem to break them.  💁. Fortunately, I have very gradually learned the art of saying, "No," even to myself a bit.  (To others, I have just learned to say, "Oh...Matt says I can't do that.  I'm so sorry!"  For future reference, that just means I can't but I also can't tell you no in my own words.  Because I care too much and "no" is a very sad word to me.)

Spring has ALWAYS been my favorite!  I'm blossoming, too, little apple tree.

Fortunately, I continue to learn from my mistakes.  (Kids...that's called "Growth Mindset."  Look it up and heed my advice...start practicing now!).

For example, I have learned that I carry a LOT of anxiety.  I used to call it "tension."  And it really applies related to people and what they think of me.  That's a tough one!  Because what I'm starting to realize is that I've been waiting around for this "ultimate goal" where everyone finally gets me and appreciates my heart, my worth and my contribution to this earth.  But it seems like, just when I finally earn a friend or fan, I turn around and I've lost another one.  (And most of the time, I don't even know what I've done to offend.  I'm sorry!!  Please remember my humanity and give me grace.  And for the LOVE, please TELL me if I have offended you.  I will more than likely do my best to make recompense!)

So, yeah...that house of cards has toppled.  Because I am starting to really "get it" that I will never reach a point where I have them all on my side.  It's too much like spinning plates.  There is a limit to how much I can handle.  And it's not just me.  It's HUMANITY.

These things I know about myself:

1) I am honest. (Sometimes that comes out as rude.)

2) I have good intentions.  (For the most part, I don't intend to offend.)

3) I am a doer.  (I have intrinsic motivation to help and work and make things better wherever I am.)

So, if I'm asking for a break...I'm probably one step shy of total meltdown.  I don't tend to be lazy, and I do tend to give 1000x the necessary effort toward any task I set out to accomplish. 

Jess has two speeds...lazy or crazy.  There is no in between.

I don't know where I developed the idea it was the end of the world if I weren't eternally productive so long as I was awake.  (And honestly, even when I'm not awake, I'm producing.  You should see my dream-world!!!  Some days, I need a nap from my naps.)

I am also learning that I have allergies.  I always called it "bad sinuses," but a doctor recently told me about my "untreated allergies."  Unfortunately, that is currently evidenced in the form of a rotten, huge, nasty ear ache.  Also, unfortunately, I can't let that stop me from enjoying my favorite season in my favorite place (outside).  Fortunately, I had a kind and laid-back nurse practitioner take a look at me.  She confirmed the allergies and suggested I start treating it.  I confirmed that I have been treating it...since I found out I wasn't.  This is what treated looks like for me.  She asked me if I'd ever had a scope with an ENT, and I confirmed that I had.

"Oh, yeah.  They didn't see anything."

Listen...time flies when you are having THIS MUCH fun.

...Long pause for reflection..."Of course, that was like 9 years ago."

"Oooooook.  I'm not gonna fix you.  Keep an eye on that blood pressure...

"Mmmmmmm."

"Or don't."

Now, this is the kind of doctor I can endure.

I'm just out here doing my best to save the world, until I'm (rather ungracefully) reminded that is Jesus' job...and leaving the self care concept to my clients...until I am brutally reminded that I can't pass the oxygen to anyone else, if I, myself, can't breathe.  (You can't thank the airlines for that bright analogy in the mental health world.)

Anyway, peace out for now, my friends.  Thanks for entering my world for a bit!  You can thank my great-nephew for the early post.

I'm about to have my BEST DAY EVER.  (In the kids words, "New cousin just dropped!" 😂)