Embracing the Falls

Ahhhh, life.  So messy.  So tragic.  So contradictory and confusing.  So out of my control.

Still growing every day…growth just looks a little different (and more like deterioration on the surface. 😂).  I prefer the inner growth.  It’s less selfish and more enduring.  (P.S.  I don’t think my cousin ended up realizing his dreams of becoming a hair dresser???)

We like to feel in control, don't we?  We like to have our little worlds set up so safely - our work, our sports teams, our Starbuck's and chain restaurants, our little vacation spots...these things convince and assure us that we are all ok.  When we are safe within the context of familiarity, we can hide from the irreconcilable truth.

We literally have no control over anything in this life.

I’m sorry.  I said it.

No matter our position or status or wealth, the truth eventually invades the confines of our falsely sheltered lives.  (And most of us have no coping skills to deal with that revelation.)  

No matter how tightly we grasp the things we hold dear, we are ultimately forced to let go.

This is what it comes down to for me.  This is why I choose to embrace the chaotic world - to stare that tornado in the face and open my arms to whatever it has to offer.  

Because the truth is, I have no control, anyway.  Any other ideology is only a facade...Oz...the man behind the curtain.  I don't want to make that old man feel bad, because he was trying to make me feel safe.  I don't need him to spend his life hiding behind a curtain, so I can spend mine in the false comfort of the Emerald City.  I am brave.  I am strong.  (And I have a real God who can do so much more than that sorry old magician.)

But OHHHHHH, there are times when I question my choices.  There are bad days - bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD days.  All too many to face, and in fact, I have already had one bad day this week.

I had a lovely weekend.  It was 2 days of free, my choice-time, no commitments.  I chose to mow the yard.   Like REALLY, mow the yard...down to every obsessive-compulsive detail. It was the best I've felt in a LONG time.  (#Atypical)

Princess of…my free time.

And then, I got this news and that..  I had an aching empathy overload, followed by my own personal devastation.  My own PERSONAL devastation. 

I don't carry those devastations alone anymore.  I am learning.  I have put behind me the hide-it-all and DON’T TALK past.  I am learning helpful concepts about healthy and unhealthy behaviors, concepts and COMMUNICATION.  I am learning about things like masking, circles of trust and boundaries.

I have a history of masking.  I used to think it was me being brave and strong.  I carried all of my pain, every piercing wound, behind a mask of self-sustaining competence and contentment.  I thought I carried it well.  I even thought I did it for Jesus’ sake.  😂. In truth, I was just slowly, unnecessarily crushing myself with the painful burden I had no hope of ever being able to carry alone.  

Then, the burdens became a wound.  Which became a festering wound.  And it started affecting the people around me.  I built walls in attempt to contain it, but it only shut me off from the world.  Trapped me in my septicity.  My venom continued to leak out.

The boundaries I held were constantly vying between too permissive and too rigid.  As with every other concept in life, there is a balance...and I struggle to find.  I am working on it.  I am slowly letting people in, with caution, allowing those (who prove to be safe and trustworthy) a spot closer to the core and reality of who I am.

Balance is good.

 

…physically, mentally, emotionally…in work and life and leisure…it’s everywhere.

Still, sometimes it seems like I can't catch a week without at least one personal devastation.  This may cause some people to wonder if I do not "over-react."  (There's a word that has ALWAYS triggered my self-doubt!) Well, I will tell those judges where to put...NO, Kristen!  (Be Nice!! Try again.)

Well, anyone who would write that judgment over me obviously isn't walking around in my shoes and experiencing my experience from my perspective, so I will just take Paul's out on this one and say, "I do not even judge myself.  It is the Lord who judges me." (1 Cor 4:3-4) Those are the sandpaper people in my world, and I am a cotton ball.  I need cotton ball kind of people in my life.  Sandpaper just tears me apart.  Cotton balls gently cleanse my wounds.

So, typically, I would have just pushed through all of this trauma; but the truth is I am trying to live more genuinely, and "pushing through" is just another Oz-style facade to say "I've got this", when I really don't.  It would make me appear so stoic, and I like appearing stoic.  However, I am human, and I am not that cool or amazing.  I am just me.  Anything I accomplish does not have it's root in my competence and capability: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." (Eph. 2:8-9). 

I chose to lay down my "competent" facade and let others see that there are some things I just can not do.  I found a cotton ball (who empathized with my pain and comforted my grieving heart) and I found gentle work that matched my ability in the moment.  I am strong, but I am weak.  I think that is the bravest concession I can make.

We cherish the good with gratitude, because worry adds nothing good to the now.

In sum, the victory is mine!  But my proclamation will not be, "I'm going to Disney World!"  I am going to choose something less man-made and more divinely originated- "...Niagara Falls," or "...The Grand Canyon," and, ultimately, "...an eternity with the creator of the world."  (I can't really imagine it either, and it's a little freaky to try and contemplate.  However, I have the promise that it will be good, and I am choosing to trust in something beyond the current facade.)  

Falls from Iceland.  One of my most cherished moments - and photos. 💕

After all, I am brave.

🩷 Me