That's a Wrap! Colorado - Days 4 and 5
Oh there is so much to tell about my "right now":
-the rabbit tragedy and how hard it hit me (You just never know with me...)
-a new bunny = hope restored (now THIS is a story I will want to tell!)
-celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary and a little trip down memory lane (good memories...not the bad ones...and not the ones that make me too sad)
But...I don't have time or energy right now to do both, and I INSIST on finishing the discussion of our vacation. I may have to make this short...🤷🏼♀️
It would be a dishonest understatement to say this wasn't my best day and my finest moment. (I guess it's appropriate, since my mood the last few weeks has closely matched this less than remarkable day). I was looking forward to returning to Mueller State Park, I was looking forward to an all-day hike, and I thought the kids were in it with me. I guess you could say my biggest mistake was getting my way.
I had chosen a hike I knew was kind of long, and there were a couple of options for hiking it. There is a beautiful peak right near the entrance/exit, and there is are several loops to follow after. I took Mateo's advice and started with the peak...it was a good suggestion. I thought about holding the view to the and as a surprise. However, it seemed to be a good motivator for the kids, and we got (judging from the map) the highest elevation out of the way first.
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Everyone was having a great time. There were minimal to no complaints. (Xander took a NASTY spill and gashed her knees up pretty bad, but she was in her element out here...and she is crazy TOUGH when it comes to these things.)
We got to experience some breath-taking views, and there were very few other hikers...none (in fact) after the viewpoint. It is part of the reason I chose this. I have never been so desperate for isolation in my whole entire life. The working life has completely changed my perspective and needs!
I've got to give credit to this little guy, too. He took the whole day in stride...sweet, joyful and happy. Which isn't always his norm anymore. He is slowly growing toward the changes adolescence brings, and I am cherishing the sweet, happy, child-hood moments I get. Keeping myself so busy and distracted helps in that way - I don't get caught up too much on the sorrow in letting the baby grow up. It also helps having 25,000 children. (Oh, come on...it feels like about that many sometimes. No judging until you've SEEN my weekly grocery bill!!). Anyway...he still wants a picture of just us just about every time. So...cherishing! 💕
We made our way, slowly, down from the peak - moseying and taking photos of things I thought were beautiful. I let the others go on ahead, and Evan and I dragged along at the back, taking turns with my camera for "photo shoots."
The walk, so far, had been pleasant. It was maybe an hour or so in total - given the slow pace and the time we took to take in the views. The walk, while challenging in parts, had been just a little over half a mile. I had a lot left in me, and I wasn't ready to give up the day to any other ventures. The kids felt differently. I held my ground, and as always, Matt backed me.
Can you believe I actually celebrated the win??!! I got my hike, my way. Man did I pay for that.
I had charge of the map, and that was my second mistake; because, unless it is an island or a mall, I can NOT read a map, and I am a TERRIBLE navigator. It didn't make much difference to me in the beginning. I knew they all eventually looped back to the same place. But when they started griping pretty intensely about 1/10 of the way into the hike...it started mattering a lot.
Actually, in retrospect, I think what caused me the biggest problem is that I started to worry...just a bit. (That's how it always starts, isn't it???). Maybe I am asking too much this time. Maybe I didn't prepare. Maybe I SHOULD have brought some sandwiches (even though they didn't eat the ones I'd packed the day before). Maybe I should have warned them to bring water. We ARE pretty isolated out here. What if something happens, and I didn't do enough to protect them???? (This is why I teach my clients to stop the spiraling early on!)
There were some lovely moments, and some wonderful distractions. Xander found a creek - it was her main goal of the day - although it wasn't like the ones she frequents at home, so not quite what she'd hoped. She was happy enough!
Meanwhile, I'm stood apart self-berating and wallowing in pity. I let my brain run free until I was totally alone and misunderstood, in a world (not to mention, a family) full of people.
-I felt a little better after a good hard feeling-sorry-for-myself cry, but I still wouldn't talk to anyone. I insisted on walking alone, though Xander and Mateo hung back at every fork to make sure they didn't lose me completely that day 🤣 💕. Their gentle persistence is what finally brought me back up out of the mire.
You know, it's embarrassing, as a counselor, to admit having such a bad day. It's humbling. It makes me feel both weak and vulnerable. It feeds into my "lesser than" insecurities. Twice in one month, I have seen reminders of the wounded animal I once was - present day fits of lashing out blindly in vicious, misdirected self-defense.
I made my baby cry in my anger. I made my tender baby girl cry, and I still refused to talk to her in my clouded perspective. That's not a very counselor thing to do. It's really very humiliating, and all I can say is that I am grateful to God that I had enough sanity of mind and a new background of education and experience that have given me the tools to finally snap out of it and make things better.
It was, again, an understatement to say, "not my finest moment." I could easily let that get me down for...a LONG, LONG time...forever???I take my "mom" fails very seriously, and I do tend to be a little strong willed. But this is the difference in me now...humility and grace. Humility to realize I'm too human to do everything right. Grace to know God understands that and actually appreciates when I finally do.
And I will not let this terrible moment of our precious vacation be all for naught. We had a lovely hike. We spent time alone together...maybe our last full-family trip??? Who knows what the next few years will bring. I had a difficult moment, and I let my mind slip back into some negative old patterns. It was a good reminder of my humanity, and the reason I do (and can do) the work that I do each day. (Who better to help others than one who understands their struggles...intimately, personally...currently??)
We took the kids out for dinner at a little family-owned restaurant the park ranger had recommended. It was a sweet moment in support of the people who stick around and call Florissant, CO home.
But...we take what we get, and we make the best of it.
We took the kids out for dinner at a little family-owned restaurant the park ranger had recommended. It was a sweet moment in support of the people who stick around and call Florissant, CO home.
Then, we took the kids to the local fishing spot. It was colder that day, and the locals weren't there. The fish didn't come in like they had before...or maybe we came too late...or used the wrong bait. I caught a little guy and considered it a blessing. I wish it had been one of the boys, instead.
But...we take what we get, and we make the best of it.
We spent the next day doing more local things...a petrified Redwoods monument park and a very fun, locally-owned, crack-your-own shale, fossil quarry. We spent way too much, but it was worth every penny...especially since we found another small business to support. Real people. Real experiences. Really simple. (They were both just minutes from the place where we stayed.)
I know...I still can't believe we skipped Garden of the Gods, myself!! I guess that gives us one more reason to return, because after that mellow day, we drove the second (and longest...by just a bit) leg of our journey to our FINAL, most-anticipated destination!!
Have a good week, my friends. It is back-to-school week for us, and I am hopeful for a more manageable year this year. I've learned my lessons that NO ONE around here wants me over-extended. They are called "boundaries," my friends.
Hi, my name is Kristen and I'm new to this.
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