Living in Kristen's Paradise

Birds are my new bestie.  This guy danced with me, spoke to me...and as I was walking to the door, he actually told me "Bye."  💕💕💕

Well, guys...it's a keep the curtains closed kind of weekend.  So sad for such a sunny disposition as my own, don’t you think?  It's a beautiful weekend, and I would LOVE to enjoy it. I don't mean to be un-neighborly, I promise.  I guess I've just spent all the sunshine within me, and I'm going to need some SERIOUS SPACE to refill.  I'm sorry, Mr. Rogers.  I tried.  I just don't seem to have the capacity to be very neighborly today. 

I’ll be back, when the day is…

Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe I won’t be back at all! 

Boo!

In case you are jealous, the grass is definitely NOT greener over here in Kristenville today.  In case you already noticed, my grass is actually dying from my personal neglect, and I seem to have run out of spray paint.  I can’t even keep up a façade right now. 

So...let's just take a break.  I don't think there is enough Calgon in the world to fix this. I'll suffice by spending my time peeking through the curtain cracks at the happy blue sky and reflecting on what the (excuse my language) just happened to me over the last 3 months.  Hang on...I need to catch my breath.

Act One: We Need to Talk About Kujo

A neighbor, who shall remain nameless (I think it is important to note that my rabbit lived outside for 5 years without death... even despite a definite coyote incident in that time period), neglected to contain Kujo, who viciously attacked the fortress (left as memorial) Matt had made for my sweet love, Sloth (can you ask me about the name another time?).  

This is getting ridiculous.

No worries, friend.  I only spent three days in the throes of despair, blaming myself for being a negligent pet owner and "allowing" my sweet, gentle, EASY, productive, fiber producing, BELOVED bunny to be (very literally) scared to death by your (I have decided not to say this part out loud.  *see note below) @#*&!@#$&@%^*#&!@&!@#&!!!!! (couldn't help myself.  All apologies.) dog.  But, don't waste a minute of your valuable headspace to worry over me. (see note in last parentheses) I'll recover from the trauma.  It's what I do.

Repeat after me, Kristen: "People are more important than animals.  People are more important than animals.  People ... (insert sound of needle scratching record) ... animals can be a$$h---s, too."

But rabbits are pretty innocent, don't you think??? 😢💔

*Note: Needless to say, I've had the privilege of working, firsthand, on my ability to "love my enemies" and "turn the other cheek."  Mostly, @therealGod allowed me to be tricked into turning the other cheek, and we have been working on my less righteous responses behind closed...you get the picture.

Feeling the burn.  And we called it "Sunnyside Park." 😂😂😂😂😂

Is it wrong that I limit my exposure to these lessons via strategic avoidance?  There is a reason (more than one, actually) I tend to have my curtains constantly closed of late, my friends.  I'm sorry.  It’s not very Roger-esque of me.  (And I have the audacity to claim him as my hero!  The nerve.)

Alas (it is so fulfilling to use that word appropriately in context!!), I am just like everyone else (ummmm…insert ornery boyish whimper…kind of).  I have the capacity for BOTH good and evil...and I don't always choose the more righteous of the two.  Please don't give me more credit than I deserve, but if you do, don't blame me when it gets ugly.  Fair warning.  I am trying.  WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE WITHIN ME!  But I am going to continue to fail for the rest of my earthly life, because I will be human as long as I breathe.

And I will keep on carrying on and cherishing every moment I can for that long, as well...

I’m going to be really honest.  It’s the only reason I give the rest of you any grace…be glad I’m NOT god.  (THAT would be interesting!  And also disastrously chaotic.)

I will end my reflection, act one with more gratitude (though maybe not less bitterness, ok?  still working!).  I was VERY grateful to find out that Matt's fortress held, and Kujo did not have the opportunity to lay one nasty tooth or claw into my sweet, sweet bunny.  It doesn't change the fact that my sweet, sweet bunny is dead.

Sigh.

Day one - I knew I could never replace him.

Day two - I didn't know how I was going to live without him.

Day three - Getting a new French Angora rabbit was a non-negotiable.  Matt drove me an hour away to rescue myself and Jolene.  

Her ears don't stand up right.  She has strange bare spots on her neck.  Her coloring is eclectic...
Yep, she'll fit just fine here!!

Jolene stays inside and resides with my youngest son, who is rapidly threatening to leave me with his successive birthdays.

Act Two: There Is Nothing Good about this Grief

I can't talk about Jack.  If you know me, you know I suffered an excruciating, heart-wrenching, deeply agonizing, never going to be the same, only God can redeem this, kind of loss. Unless you are his mama (or Hannah), I don't want to talk about it.  But it would help if you were aware that I have been dramatically wounded.

Let's just file this one under, "I'm Going to Try to Pretend that Didn't Happen."  I know.  I'm a counselor.  

Act Three: Big Wreck

STOP!  HALT!  Repeat the record scratching.  This may have been a lonely weekend for yours truly, but I.  JUST.  GOT. SOME. SERIOUS. SLEEP!!  (Did you think I got these done in one session???  Surely you know me by now?!!  Come on, guys, I do NOT have the attention span for that.). And...I went outside.  Ok, maybe I hid behind a tree with my back turned to the street, offering a very clear signal that I was in "private mode," but it snapped me out of Kristen Hyde, and I think the whole world might be a little bit brighter for it.  (Too grandiose??). Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...

Apparently, Dillon has a fun annual Fall tradition called "Let's Make a Dumb Decision and Break Something."  This time, I dropped him off at school and was getting ready for a full day of sessions when I got a text from him.  It was vague.  Something about going to Quiktrip and getting hit and "I'm scared but I'm ok."

At this point, I'm debating, "Am I good to finish the next chapter?" in my book, but I had the presence of mind to have Matt call and assess the kid.  He said I should probably go.

At least in part, I honor those who suffer by cherishing what I have.

I'm inconvenienced.  A little annoyed.  I throw on my shoes, no socks.  (I didn't even have time to brush my teeth, and I'm grateful session one is virtual.  But the rest are definitely not getting a sparkly clean in-person Kristen.). I call my principal sister on the way to see if she can bring Evan home from school, so I don't have to make a third trip in one day.

She starts asking me invasive questions about "is this the wreck with multiple ambulances near the school?"  And I'm assuring her "Oh, surely not.  I don't think it's THAT bad."

This is the point where I start intentionally running red lights.  

So, yeah.  It was bad.  As it turns out, my son was by the door that got hit.

Yeah...I can't.

Fun fact...he was also not buckled and squeezed in a little too tightly.  So...

I held my rage for a later time.  

When I walked up to the scene, the young man who had been driving was in full panic.  Four of the other boys had already left...at least two in an ambulance.  (They got the worst of it...broken pelvis!!!...but I am hearing they are finally back at school and starting to walk again.  Poor babies.).  I broke straight into counselor mode, rather unsuccessfully given all the chaos and the intensity of the trauma.  (I just could NOT get his undivided focus.). He ended up leaving in an ambulance, and my son just didn't want to leave at all.

So, I kept myself busy, because I am best when my anxious energy is diverted.  He lost an AirPod.  I walked around looking and checking in with the few remaining people until he was finally ready to leave the scene.  

He wanted to go to the hospital.  His principal wanted him to go get checked.  We ended up inadvertently driving to the city, where his Dad happened to be working, and THANK GOD!  We had an easy time checking in, though it WAS a bit of a wait for the doctor.  I started canceling all my morning clients and started trying to process the whole thing with Dillon.

It wasn't until he got back from the X-ray (a little before I was ready) that I finally broke down (over a rude receptionist and a neglectful Coke machine).  My son just stood there hugging me.

It wasn't until the doctor said, "concussion" and "hairline fracture" in his vertebra that I started questioning my ability to counsel that evening.  

I mean...I had a ride for Evan, and Dillon obviously wasn't going anywhere that night!  (Besides, this doctor was about as concerned as, well...see below*) Calm down, you guys!  I cancelled.  I spent the evening with my fractured son.  It's just, really very hard to know what constitutes a reasonable excuse for cancellation when you deal with crisis a good part of the day.)

*Of course, we couldn't leave before I got to see pictures of the doctor's baby and had provided several bits of parental advice.  (This is just my new normal. 🤷‍♀️)

We were grateful he sent us home with a script for pain meds, because that's about the time the REAL realization started to set in.  

It took him a week or two to recover, physically speaking.  The trauma will stick around a bit longer, as I am well aware.

And there you have it.  All drawn up into a neat little nutshell.  Speaking of nuts...and seeds (it's a bit of a stretch):

This week's life goals - I definitely tried to convince a kid that Dancing with the Birds was MUCH cooler than Dancing with the Stars (I haven't even seen an episode).  If I could just get ONE PERSON TO FINALLY, FOR THE LOVE, AGREE WITH ME ON THIS!!  (You could be my best friend...😬)

Unfortunately, this kid did not.  Sorry, McGregor.  Looks like it's Just the Two of Us...

Look out, Matt...I am officially in love 💕  

But...I can't let you go without one more announcement.  YOU GUYS!!!  I officially, FINALLY, finished the Xander sweater!!

This one took me over a year.  That's over 50% duplicate stitch, and it takes like a thousand, million, gazillion years.  So, NOOOOOOO!!  I won't be making another one. 😅

Ok.  That's it.  I, officially, have to call it quits for the night.  I hope you had a good weekend.  I hope you found your happy.  Can you keep a secret?  Do you promise not to tell?  

I am off again tomorrow!!  Mondays don't Monday so much when you write them out of your schedule!! 💕

Love, Always

Me