This Aggression Will NOT Stand

I like to consider myself a nice person, but (and I realize some of you have probably known me since grade school and before, and I really DO feel like I need to apologize for a few things…but as far as I can see, my window of opportunity has passed.  So, if it’s you, and I haven’t gotten around to verbalizing my regrets, just know they are here in my heart…at the very bottom.) even I have to admit some mean tendencies.

Like the absolute thrill I get from watching certain others make a fool of themselves.  (Sorry Matt, tickle tickle tickle!)  Or the instant aggressiveness I feel in response to aggressive males (not to mention my delusions of grandeur regarding my physical prowess).  Matt says it’s just that I’m competitive, not delusional…and don’t you think that’s sweet of him to pour all that sugar on me?  Awwww!  💕  In the name of love...He knows I do love sugar.

But…to be real, I seriously mentally campaigned (and I don't know if that's the right word, but do you really care?) Jake Paul this week.  So, delusional or just competitive?  You decide.

Meanwhile, I will sing in a hoarse and scratchy (current struggle) falsetto:

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks

Better run, better run… 🎶

Don't blame me...I didn't write it.

But seriously, as a counselor, I try to keep a handle on my own areas for improvement (It’s not weakness!  You're weak!), but speaking of aggression, I happened to find myself acting a little toddler tantrum-ish this week toward…God help me…the parking ticket police man.

You guys!!!  I, literally, can NOT stand the parking police man, which is obviously because he is RIDICULOUS.  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  WHY?!!!  Just, you know, come up and watch me try to drag in all of my daily necessities (It takes a LOT to Kristen), now that I have to walk an extra mile (and that's AFTER I sneak around looking for a spot JUST out of his radar). Don't get me started.  Don't even.

I could DEFINITELY go on, but I am choosing to (maturely, if I do say so) withhold my remaining opinions; because what really matters is that I seriously watched myself NOT stop for the pedestrian when I realized it was him - the one and only, hero of the square, parking ticket guy - on foot.  (Oh, hey...where's the golf cart???)  My hackles were raised before I even knew what I was doing.

I felt my temper flare, my heart rate increase and my body tense.  A growl began brewing in the back of my throat.  That should have been enough to raise my "unhealthy elevation of emotions" red flag, BUT THEN…(did you REALLY think I stopped there?)...I slammed my office door at him!  

True - he was across the street, and I was underground, but I think I made my point!

And I used to be so kind and respectful to authority.  What happened to that (a bit tragically) innocent young girl??  

Among other things, I blame the cop that yelled at me on the highway a few years ago.  (Remember how I cried for 2 hours?!!)  Maybe it’s my trauma response, instead of a tantrum.  Maybe I'm just in my anger response phase??

Well, anyway, I had a few other trauma flags pop up this week, too.  💔💔💔 (Anyone know a good counselor?) Suffice it to say I’m still doing my own work over here, and I think that's pretty mature of me. 

Otherwise, I have been doing pretty well, thanks for asking!  I have a decent work life balance right now.  I have some pretty late evenings, but as long as I don’t have to get up and out the door by some ungodly hour 5 days a week, I seem to be pretty functional.  (Well, as functional as this hyperactive-overthinking-disorganized-mess-that-is-me can get. )  It seems I have found the secret recipe with sleep and mornings, and I think I’m “gonna make it after all!” 🎶 (I am throwing my hat in the air right now.  I actually am!)

(Did I tell you I walked right into a wall taking a young client to the printer the other day?  Oh the joys…)

Thanks to a related client, I have a current hyperfixation with WWII  (checked out some light reading by Hitler at the library today).  But...I can feel the buzz wearing off.  So, we’ll see.  I don't force myself to finish hobby fixations anymore, and my recommendations have gone THROUGH THE ROOF of late.  So, it's not like I will have to suffer the panicky in-between fixations dead space.  I'll keep you posted.  I know you are on the edge of your seat with curiosity...pins and needles, am I right?  (I know.  No one cares.)

Speaking of suffering, Matt actually asked me yesterday what is the name of that bird I love…deep, agonizing, frustrated sigh (which Jesse echoes)…followed by an extended, over-dramatic pause  and side eyes.  Three blinks and a long eyelid-gaze (...yooou'll  never, never, never know me, oooooh, oooooh, oooooh🎶).  I’m going to choose to forgive that nearly-fatal insult.

After all...do YOU remember his name?  (Not likely, my friend.  I am more aware than I might seem. See "no one cares" comment above.)

And also...I am probably, hands-down the luckiest woman in the world. (I actually spoke those words to him this week, after some off-putting attempt at a display of affection which the greater population would likely consider sweet). 

But I don't feel totally bad, because when Young Sheldon said another true but arrogant thing to his mom and I asked, "Can you IMAGINE living with that?!!" it took me at least half a minute to notice the silence. I turned to find him staring, dumbfounded at me.

See.  We both have our ups and downs.  Our sweets and our sours.  We just choose grace and politely consider each other a work in progress.  (I said I WAS polite!)

ANYWAY… I ACTUALLY have to work this Monday, for like, two whole hours.  

Stupid Thanksgiving, messin' with me like that.  At least Matt will be home.  And speaking of...word to the wise...don't get me started about Christmas.  Save yourself!

WAIT...

Please don’t go.

I love you so.

I’ll eat you whole

I love you so.

I love you so.

There is more I want to say!  And we can't leave it hanging like that!!

Oh let's face it...I'll never be done.  I will keep on talking until all the words have bled from me and I think no more.  What do you say we have a quick, sweet moment with Evan and call it a night, ok?

Matt was getting up and Evan asked if he could have a popsicle.  Matt said yes, but we could both tell he wasn't hearing between the lines (if you don't have the gift, I can't help you).  So, to avoid a long, drawn out episode, I intervened, "Matt, he is hesitating, because he is trying to tell you - he would like a popsicle, AND he would like YOU to get it FOR him."

I looked at Evan, and his jaw dropped open.

I smiled and shrugged, "Problem solved."

He shook his head, "How did you know???" And after a pause, "Now I see that you REALLY do understand how children work."

Well, son, sometimes I just get lucky.  (Wink.  Nudge.)

On that happy note...have a Happy Week and give LOTS of thanks for me!  There is so much over here for which I am grateful.

💕, as always, 

Kristen