Never Always
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
Ok, but...hear me out. I FEEL like even Jesus can not identify with the agonizing depth of this relentless ache. (Yes. I am joking.)
I am definitely, 100% sure the ONLY remedy for me right now (and that is putting all want aside, I assure you), is a new puppy. (Here, not so much on the joking, but I will admit, I am currently having difficulty with the sorting out of ideas - good vs. bad.)
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| But LOOOOOK at baby Jesse. How could anyone say no to THAT face?? |
"When we are faced with some overmastering temptation, or some difficult task, we cannot conquer that temptation or shoulder that task in someone else's strength. We must do so in our own. It is then our plain duty to build up a faith which is our own faith and which cannot be shaken." (Barclay 138)
You guys!! I don't know if I have enough strength left in me. This winter has hit me like my "stay home" era. I feel like my whole existence has caught me, abruptly, off-guard. I've GOT to find a fill for this desperate ache. (Yes, I KNOW the only true answer.)
Never fear, never fear. I may teeter, but I will not fall. My resolve is not so easily broken as this. (I said...she DOESN'T...GO...LIGHTLY!! FFR, she also doesn't take "no" lightly. So, it's best if we just give her time to sort those ideas on her own. TIA!)
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I’ll take your NEVER… And see you ALWAYS. |
I mean, it does feel just a little bit like I’m playing The Floor is Lava with my own emotions right now. I may have lost a marble or two along the way???
As a counselor, I know this current emotional rampage is "normal" (if you believe in that). It’s winter. It’s Christmas. These are natural triggers for most people, and especially for me!! I could give you a million reasons (physical, mental and spiritual). In fact, I could give you even more reasons, totally unrelated to the season, why my heart so desperately grieves right now.
It seems that I tend to draw pain. Or maybe it draws me? Either way, there is a magnetism going on here somewhere, and I can't seem to find the source...or EVER escape it.
Which reminds me...there are a few things in life that cause me the most sincere of sorrows:
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| #5 My last baby officially crossing the threshold. |
First, and most deeply agonizing to me, is the desolate honk of a lone goose. (Have we talked about this?). I can't handle it. (Subsequently, you won't be able to handle it either, if we experience it together.)
Second, (and similarly tragic) is a caged bird. (I find this to be one of the greatest travesties in life, but PLEASE don't get me started on birds.)
Last, but not least, is a kind gesture when I am sad. (It kills me EVERY time.)
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| "Ophelia...heaven help the fool..." |
But...wait!! There's more...I recently added a fourth to the list (you may have also noticed the 5th): Someone just told me Old Faithful is not faithful anymore. Now, that’s just the kind of thing that pushes me over the edge.
Why can't ANYTHING just stay the same??? Change is so hard for me...especially when I don't get to choose it.
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| These people have no idea how many times they have randomly saved my life. |
Ugh!! You guys...WHY is my heart is sooooo deep and tender, and WHY does it always seems to ache? I guess I could shut myself off to all awareness or concern (or people, or the world), but then what would be left?? I wouldn't be left, not ME - that's for sure.
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| I think I've finally said enough...no wait... |
God knows I HAVE to be me. (Sigh) Anytime I try to stitch her in - even just a little bit - Kristen Shanna ALWAYS comes bursting right out through the seams.
And I AM working on my character. Just...it seems there are some things I will NEVER be able to change about ME.
I have no confidence in my own capacities - I reach out my hand to God that He may carry me along as a feather borne weightlessly by the wind.
-Hildegard of Bingen
AMEN, Hildegard!! Amen.
Right now, the only thing that is holding me remotely together is faith, kindness (sometimes in the form of old school rivalry) and love. These will have to be enough to suffice, and you can rest assured they will be. As I have always done before, I will, again, weather this awful, horrible, no good, nasty season. (And you, will again, be beneficiary of my suffering.)
Just...I'm not ready to commit, for the time being. I might still move to where I can guarantee a little more sunshine-specific stability. (Ask me again in the summer.)
As for today, I will take my own 50's and Sunny with gratitude and call it GOOD NIGHT!
Always Never Consistently Inconsistent,
Kristen
Careful now, those “bright eyes” will get you every time, Monteverdi.
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