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I’m pretty terrible, thanks for asking.  So, don’t let's waste ANY time.

Stress picking...I'm a danger to myself these days.

I got so dysregulated this week, I didn’t know what to do.  I’m still not really sure. 

I failed in things I hold most dear, and I’m feeling REALLY stuck.  Stuck and lost.  Lost and trapped.  Trapped and suffocated.  Suffocated and terrified.  I wrote a poem about it for you.  It’s my first…

Here, take my breath

So you can breathe

We’ll share the air 

Just you and me

Just you and…me

Just you…and

I am defeated, depleted, devastated and distressed.  My self doubt and self hatred are elevated, and I am fighting so hard, you guys!  I know I’m not alone, because look the blazes around you!!  But at the same time I am absolutely, TOTALLY, no question, without a doubt, DEFINITELY alone.  

Because look around me!!  You all can come and you all can go, as much as you like, and there are enough of you to make it seem like I’m surrounded for awhile, but not ONE of you, NOT ONE!, will remain by my side indefinitely…Does she get any darker than this?

The "haha" is my answer, dear friends.  In case you didn't know...

Denied even THIS which might bring me joy.  (Dramatic pause, as I lie back on the chaise, back of hand to forehead...and then peek over to make sure Matt is still watching.)

"She got low, low, low, low..." and NOT in a good way, you guys.  

Am I wrong to air these thoughts?  I don't even know WHY I am telling you all of this. WHO CARES????!!!  I guess it's my turn...my one hour to speak??  Or maybe I'm bold for single-handedly bringing up what no one else wants to say.  (Doubtful.) Or maybe I am speaking to one of you who is also out there hanging by a strand.  Maybe, then, I'm just wringing my hands.  It feels more than a little hopeless, doesn't it?  I think we're ALL feeling a little hopeless right now.  

In fact, I feel like I’m being sucked in by a big black hole, while profusely apologizing for the space I’m taking…but, then, that just does NOT compute, does it Sheldon?  I guess black holes are ALSO not my game.

What I do know is that I want to lay down EVERYTHING and quit, because this one hits like a dagger to an already bleeding heart. But Matt says I, at least, have to get up and go back to work this week, if I don't do anything else.  AND he had the nerve to reference the time he fell with the ladder.  Do you remember what I did??  I made him get back on it and finish the job. Sometimes you just have to pick yourself up and make yourself do it, Kristen - however agonizingly painful it is.

...but I don't wanna!!!

Sigh.  Big, epic, dramatic sigh…and a couple of foot stomps, for good measure.  I am not typical, and it’s about time you all just accepted that.  I don't do reasonable things, but I promise I am trying my best.  Didn't I tell you that last week?

Acts 19:36b "You ought to calm down and not do anything rash [, Kristen]"

I decided to let myself go and grieve to the maximum possible, no holds barred.  Where else would I go?

I stopped and bought a coke and a beer, and I hauled my @&$ out to my sister's grave (man do I need her right now), and I sat with my back against the tombstone beside her, and I drank my coke and poured out her beer to her, as I shivered in the cold. I also tried smoking for old time’s sake, but I couldn’t get any farther than choking.  Besides...I didn’t want to go back THAT far, anyway.  (And, yes...that's ALL definitely a run on, and I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!) 

We didn't even talk.  We just sat there.  Together.  My sister.  and me.  I didn't need anything more.

no, like...I REALLY need her...more than I think I have EVER in my life.  maybe except that one time I went to work at Bob's IGA with her and sat in the deli all day.  not sure where I would have been without her that day.

And speaking of LAST WEEK!, I have a few things to update and/or reword.  I reserve the right as very human and mostly female.  So...

1.  I take it back.  It is NOT now ok to feed the bear.  Do NOT feed the bear.  I repeat...Do NOT feed the bear! In fact, don't touch the bear, don’t talk to the bear, don’t even LOOK at the bear, for that matter…just slowly back away, my friend.  Slowly.  Back. Away.

2.  I'm not sure anymore that I AM going to make it after all, Mary.

3.  You know what else I know about integrity?  The truth eventually reveals itself.  The character of a man will be uncovered in time, and sometimes I really, really, really, really, REALLY wish it was MY TIME.  (Dear, God, could you please offer me a little spotlight in this dark?)

I'm so very tired, my friends.  

Today's gratitude journal entry, "Sometimes it is hard to see the gratitude beyond your own devastation...I don't know what else to say."

She may have been brought low this week, boys, but this poor wretch will resurrect on one side or the other.  (Here or heaven...Probably both, with my luck.  Ah well...)

No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand. Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand.  -Stuart Townend

How easily I still lose my way, and it’s never my arrogance that brings me back.  It’s my surrender.  It’s ME…on my knees - the only way I am beautiful.  

Psalm 62:10-13

Mortals are a mere breath; 

the sons of man but an illusion; 

On a balance they rise;

together they weigh nothing.

Do not trust in extortion;

in plunder put no empty hope.

On wealth that increases,

do not set your heart.  

One thing, God has said;

two things I have heard:

STRENGTH BELONGS TO GOD;

so too, MY Lord, does money.

For you repay each man 

according to his deeds.

So show me, family

All the blood that I will bleed

I don't know where I belong

I don't know where I went wrong

I can't even write a song, tbh...

But...if nothing else comes out of it, at least this week has inspired my very own epitaph:

"I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I promise, I tried."

Never More Sincerely, Kristen