Wolf at the Door

Well, folks, I do believe I have moved on from the sadness, and (after a generous amount of reassurance from the ones I hold most dear) all that I'm left with is a little intensely targeted anger and frustration.  I have worked things out with my God, and He has told that vengeance is His.  So, I'm going to do my best to keep my mouth shut and keep my hands to myself, because all of my aggression and self justification never got me anywhere good.

"Oh, it’s so hard, the eternal struggle between heart and mind."

-Anne Frank; Friday, April 28, 1944

In all actuality, I have already experienced some really good things in the midst of another traumatic experience...and I quit fighting early enough this time to avoid much of a delay in the blessing.  I don't know why I have so much difficulty with biting the hand that feeds me sometimes.  ???  I think it's a trauma response.  I always relate myself to a wounded, feral animal in these situations.  (And don't you DARE ever refer to me with feline innuendos...that is a quick route to escalation you would definitely do best to avoid.)

But speaking of the ones I hold most dear, allow me to address those remaining.  Have you ever been so down and desolate that you felt like you were never going to be able to get back up off the ground?  If not, then you couldn't possibly understand, so feel free to skip to the end.  If so, then you will FEEL the frustration I experience with people who judge or turn away from the sufferer.  I was fortunate this time to be surrounded by support, but I have definitely experienced times in the past when all help turned a deaf ear to my supplications...or worse, they blamed ME for my suffering.  (Please see Job for additional explanation.)

Allow me a quick analysis of my most recent drama, as brought to you by God with support from prophets like William Barklay.  I embarked upon a divinely timed literary journey toward epiphany this week with a reading from And Jesus Said.  In this specific day's devotion, Barklay relays the teachings of the Church of Scotland Youth Committee regarding an interpretation of Jesus' "The Good Samaritan" parable.  

Barklay breaks down the story by characters, or in my competitive-natured mind "the players".  Humor me, would you?, as we consider them:

Player #1:  The Traveler

In my (potentially faulty) estimation, I played the part of the traveler.  Imagine my despair as Barclay described how the traveler ventured both "carelessly and recklessly" (80) on the path known to be marked with danger.  (Oh, but I do like adventure and a good provocation.  Maybe someday, I will get my impulses under even better control...ho, hum.). I seriously sobbed when I read that part.  

Player #2: The Priest

According to Barclay, this is the person who (though not without compassion) chooses to put "Temple ritual above the claims of humanity" (80).  I relate this one to those in authority who help to a point, but when the tough gets tough, they turn away and disappear.

Player #3: The Levite

This is the one who came close enough to view the trauma but considered the risk of involvement too great.  I relate this to most people.

Player #4: The Samaritan

This is Jesus' hero, right?  And upon closer inspection, I would like to argue that this role could also apply personally to yours truly in my most recent fable, "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?"  As opposed to the initially determined role (or in addition to...), perhaps I might add this to my repertoire - the Samaritan.  Perhaps in this new version of the saga, I play the role of PAST traveler turned Samaritan.  Perhaps, I have CHOSEN to continually retrace my own precarious steps in an attempt to bandage the wounds of the real victims, all while knowingly facing the vagabonds head on.

As Barclay adjures us, "Over and over again we pass by people in suffering and in need because, as we say, they have nothing to do with us.  It is only when need comes to someone in our circle that we become active. Terence, the Roman poet, laid down a great law when he said, 'I count no human being a stranger.' There are some people whose instinct is to keep to themselves; there are others whose instinct is to help, and these have the spirit of Christ in them." (82, 83)

Perhaps, there is a heroine in place of the seemingly helpless victim?!!  In this case, how CAN we determine who is wrong or who is right???  

Barclay continues, "The pity which remains merely an emotion is actually a sin, because it is always a sin to experience high emotion and do nothing to turn it into action."  Further, when "Jesus of Nazareth passed by (the traveler)...He said nothing but got down into the pit and lifted the man out.  Our duty to our neighbor is to reproduce the attitude of Christ, the attitude of an active pity whose hand is ever stretched out to help."

Maybe...just maybe...well, maybe I am CALLED to hang out in the pit???  How do you like THAT for a  plot twist, my friends???  Perhaps, I am CALLED to keep these generous hands of mine eternally extended???

Ok.  Hear me out.  I no longer stop and pick up every stray hitch-hiker I see.  I do not give money to every beggar I encounter.  And from now on, I will acknowledge a red flag with a little more gusto, when I see one.

However, in this particular case, I hold these truths to be self evident:

1. What may appear to be careless and reckless was actually NOT done without having counted the cost and the potential dangers.  It was done DESPITE all the counting.  (I don't tend to be good at math.)

2. What may have SEEMED to be foolish naiveté (in this specific case) may ACTUALLY have been  a slightly unnecessary willingness to face danger head on, in order to NOT ignore my natural instinct to help.  

In my own estimation, this is self-sacrificing and noble.  

THEREFORE: I believe I can regard myself, here, as having been very brave.

...AND as long as I can walk away with that dignity (and the promise that "The Wrath of GOD will be on your head" my friend)

...AND as long as I still maintain the knowledge that though I have not completely won, I have also not completely lost. I hereby proclaim:

"Sometimes defeat is the path to victory."*

Kristen's Gratitude Journal; Dec 10, 2024

*I don’t know that this is exactly true (because it seems completely backwards), but it just felt right when I wrote it.  And perhaps there is a military strategist out there who could come to my immediate defense????  (Wishful thinking...)

Regardless, I will be chalking up my most recent "failure" as a learning experience that I will NOT allow to change me entirely.  I prefer to hang on a bit to my potentially misguided valor.  However, I do promise to work a little harder on recognizing the wolf BEFORE I peer my nose into the muzzle.  

"My what big teeth you have."

Oh, why are people so crazy?

Anne Frank; Wednesday, May 3,1944

Your Little Red Riding Hood,

K

And the Wind Cried, Kerri