My Jubilee

Hey, so…it’s me.  Here I am.  Sitting on my throne, AND wearing my dog park shoes.  (Forgot to change.  It's the little things I tend to neglect.)  I do like to look GOOD when I rule, which borders somewhere between complete tyranny or total anarchy. So…Kristen for Queen!!   

Fun!!   (I tried for the popular vote via write-in this year, but look where it got me...)

If somber were a state of being...  😉😂

When Matt and I first started dating.  I looked at him one day and said (with full-on oblivious-Kristen serious intensity) “Let’s do something AMAZING!”  (You'll have to imagine the intense wild eyes.)

I watched him crack into a million pieces right in front of me under that pressure.  (We have since learned to let ME bring the excitement.  He keeps our heads level.  Win-Win.  Ish.) 

So…yeah, I tend to set my expectations a little 5 miles too high.  I prefer to keep my head above the clouds, anyway.  That way I never miss the sunshine!  💕☀️💕☀️💕☀️

Of all incomprehensible things intellectual pride is the most incomprehensible.  Any thinking man must find his own ignorance far more staggering than any knowledge he may possess. (Barclay 215).

Listen…I think we ALL know it takes a one-of-a-kind man to husband all of this Kristen-ness, but I put up with a lot on my end, too.  Like…how he hid the burger patties from me this week so I wouldn’t try to pry them apart with the butter-knife alone while he was gone.  Sheesh!  Such a party pooper.  It's just a butter knife!!  (Quit watching the news, for the love.  What are the REAL chances I could kill m...I'm going to leave that one alone.)

So regardless, He KNOWS I would let him be the one to stitch me up himself, if it came to that.  Sometimes I feel like I’m really giving a lot in this relationship.  (Am I the only one who sees it???) 

*By the way, PLEASE don't mention I said anything about the burger patties, because he swears he didn't actually hide them.  But since we ALL know I can not attribute their absence to my own careless impatience in looking...I agreed to silently disagree that it must have been his subconscious "protecting" me from my own peril.  🤫

So...that's IT.  I officially declare this the year of MY release.  

Send out the heralds!!  Do you want a formal proclamation?  I've never been very formal, myself.  (Is it ok if I wear my dog park shoes???)

I keep announcing my rebellion to him (mostly through loudly sung lyrics by The Strokes).  Fortunately, he attributes most of it to my vivid imagination and my VERY BIG mixed-bag of emotions, and he continues on undeterred.  (I still believe HE is the lucky one.)

Ok, so maybe, actually...it is the Catholic Church making the whole Jubilee proclamation.  I prefer to claim rights, and this is MY safe space, after all.  👸  No judgments allowed!

Speaking of church, you may have noticed that we have had Kristen and Matt's Excellent Adventure in the way of church attendance over the years.  (You should have seen my beginnings!) 

Truth be told, I've always questioned all the division.  Why does one small town need 5 churches, again??? Didn't Jesus call for UNITY in the body??  (Check out The Chosen Roundtable discussions...to summarize my report.)

So, I have decided to do like the Greeks, because "When in Rome" - wait...I am so confused!  

Anyway, it looks like I'm inadvertently just slowly going to every denomination under the sun, and I tend to stick around for awhile where there is substance (or a pillar of fire - I often require more obvious clues).  

As for now, my wanderings have landed me in a very precious community of catholicism.  (Never judge a book by its cover...unless - it's literally a book.  I've always felt quality books tend to have engaging covers.  I am willing to argue, though - there is nothing better to kindle my dwindling fire than a heated debate, some quality trash talk with the right person, and - apparently for now - Wii boxing.  Go ahead and slide into my dm's for that conversation.)  I tend to let substance be my ultimate judge of faith.

Well...that was a rabbit hole.

Thanks for re-joining me...we were talking about the Catholic Church and the proclamation that this, 2025, is the year of jubilee.  

Jubilee is also a long-held Jewish tradition.  Of course, there are differences in the beliefs and traditions (the number of years in between is a good starting point).  I haven't done enough official research to speak on either view.  Here's what I do know: 

I came across the concept of Jubilee as an early Christian.  MY beloved papa spoke about "waves of healing" on my horizon - like an ocean wave, he could see them in the distance, cresting and heading toward the shore.  Someone else, separately, confirmed this vision and added there would be "50 more waves to come."

I told my counselor at the time, and she pointed out that the number 50 was an interesting choice, because it was the number of the "year of jubilee" - which was a Jewish tradition of complete freedom and release.  (Slaves were set free.  Land was returned to its original owner.). 

Immediately, I was like, "YES!!!  That.  That's what I want!"  COMPLETE FREEDOM.  RIGHT NOW!

This was about 20 years ago, and guess what...

"He's still working on me..." 🎶  (Huge attention-seeking sigh.)

As for right now, God and I have cycled back to the whole concept of egocentrism. What do you MEAN the whole world doesn't revolve around me????!!!  

Just...starting to see the other side of things a bit here... (Sometimes, I have to wonder if I'm not teaching God patience.  😉😂😬.  Don't get me started on Matt..."You think you're a patient guy?!!  Hmmm...  Marry me.)

At least this guy had an exit strategy...Look at that face! "Let's see...13 years...AND counting!  Whew!"

So speaking of releasing the captives...here’s what I've decided my (this year) jubilee is going to look like: 

l.  Setting Boundaries so I can function and not have total meltdowns.  (Also...I want to be able to garden again.  I miss my chickens...)

2.  Keeping.  Only what really matters to me.  (Faith hope and love...and chickens, but the greatest of these is love for chickens.)

3.  Letting Go.  Of the chains (figurative and literal; material and immaterial) that trap me down...AND whatever keeps me from my chickens.  (Ok.  I've played it out.)

4. All the other things I advise my clients to do. (Just keep away from those pigeons.  They sound scary!  🔥😨)

I am in an interesting stage of transition.  I knew it would not be easy (and so I stretched it out for as long as I could.)  Matt and I have been parenting since 2001.  This year, my baby turned 11.  I got him a phone, and he immediately changed.  I have begun to see very healthy signs that he is wading into adolescence and, ultimately, his independence.  (I did worry a little.  We really enabled that kid - with full knowledge and very little regret)!!

True, I still have my little greats to fill my heart, but I get to send them home.  That is a happy kind of sad.  

I SAID, I LOVE MY BABIES!!!

But I do also love my freedom.  I just can't imagine how it can be as much fun when I'm this...well...the beginning is ALWAYS better than the end, right???

When Eden came home for Christmas this year, her timing couldn't have been better.  I felt like I could breathe again, there for a little while - like she brought my oxygen right along with her with her.

But then she just LEFT.  And she took my breath with her.  And I miss her so much, and the pain is just excruciating sometimes. 

But this is natural.  Essential.  Pain is just part of life.  It's just...as a kid, no one ever taught me how to deal with the emotional kind of pain, so I just squashed it and shifted it and carried it around with me for a REALLY long time.

I HATE LETTING GO! (I'm sorry.  I'm trying.  I promise, I'm trying.)

But, sometimes, you HAVE to let go to be free.

A few days ago.  Matt and I made a last-minute decision to try to go see the eagles.  For the first time (I think) in forever, NONE of the kids wanted to go.

It was pretty empty - just the two of us.  No kids.  Not even one (verified) eagle either, by the way. 

But (and I am kicking and screaming here)...ok FINE...there WAS some little-tiny-bit-of-solace in just being out there alone-together.  (Everything is more fun with kids and birds, though, if you ask me.)

So, maybe, just maybe, my life (as we know it) is NOT completely pointless and a total wash.  

Remember, Kristen doesn't do well with transitions.  (HOW did y'all MISS this diagnosis????)  

BREATHE, girl.  Breathe.  

In 1...2...3....4

Out 1...2...3...4

Repeat.

It's ok.  It's ok.  It will ALL be ok.

If it's too much right now, we can shelve it for later.  Just remember to get that cookie jar back down.  Avoidance doesn't become us.

It is NOT easy stepping down as commander of this ship.  But I AM so tired.  And I do know it is time.  

After all, this is the year of letting go.

And always, sometimes, maybe...letting go leaves room for (seriously cringing as I type) other good things to come.

There you go, I said it!  However begrudgingly, I said it.  (And it DOES too count!)

AMEN!

The End.

The Wise and Foolish Builders

Luke 6:46-49

46 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? 47 As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. 48 They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49 But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”