a new estate (in her eyes)

I have a new neighbor.  I'm trying not to ruin this with my over-enthusiasm.  However, I found out she works for the MO Department of Conservation, so I cut down a 15-foot invasive honeysuckle in our backyard that same weekend.

Too much?

I'm not really sure how to NOT be.  I don't do well trying to be anything but who I am, and it's just, "I'm not for everyone."  Right?

To my credit, she was just the excuse I've been praying for.  Matt has been clinging to this bane of my existence for the last 10 years.  I couldn't take the affront to nature much longer.  I'm really just a rule follower at heart.  😉

Anyway...this one was a quiet weekend for little old your's, truly.  Saturday, the weather was lovely, and my mood followed accordingly.   I kicked back on the deck, caught up on some documentation, forced my animals to love one another (come on people, now 🎶), read and enjoyed a restful break after last weekend's back yard Kristen-mageddon.   

BTW...I didn't JUST take down the honeysuckle that day. Let's say, I cleaned out "a few" things in my adorable little "manic mode."  (There's a reason I'm a counselor.)  I can be an all or nothing kind of girl.  (But just between us, honestly, I have to cut down everything I don't like while Matt is gone, so we can "agree" LATER it needed to be done. 🤫)   

"I can tell that we are gonna be friends..." -The White Stripes.
[Rabbits] are FRIENDS, not FOOD!!  -Finding Nemo, edits mine

Don't worry AT ALL about me, though.  I always plan these things to make sure he is home to help with the clean up.  (I have a tendency to lose motivation for this part.) 😬

I mean, I could have used him home to help re-align my chainsaw blade, whenever I had to yank it out of those bigger limbs (Hey, Siri, How do I get this chainsaw unstuck?). 🤫  I know this HAD to be in one of the safety videos he made me watch, but...I did my best and "figured it out" 😉 on my own...on a case by case basis, of course.  (I prefer to solve my problems as they arise.). Besides, as it turned out, he needed to replace the whole chain, anyway, by the time I was done.  That was a LOT of cutting for one little chainsaw!  😬

Life Lessons 101: Happy Wife = Happy Life.  

Sunday was not quite as good a day.  The weather was NOT sunny OR warm, and I had this big ball of anxiety and emotional agony doubling me over.  So, naturally, I texted Matt at work every 5 seconds to fill him in:

Me: I'm bored.

Me: I'm bored.

Me: I'm bored.

Me: Now I'm lonely.

Me: I'm bored and lonely.

Me: No really.  I'm bored AND lonely.

Me: Do you think you could run home and change the trash for me?  It's about to overflow.

Me: That's YOUR job. 

Me: The trash is your job.  I don't want to touch the trash.

Me: This has elevated to a national tragedy.  Now, I am bored, lonely, and I need you to change the trash.

Me: We need to talk about your lack of communication when you get home.

Matt: In a code...

Me: Sigh.  Typical.

Me: You're such a guy...

Me: You REALLY need to rethink your priorities here.

Me: Did you hear that lightning last night?

Me: It was so loud.  

Me: It had to have hit in our back yard.  

Me: Good thing I got that honeysuckle down!!

(2 min pause while I am distracted.)

Me: I'm pretty sure God was trying to strike YOU down last night for not answering my texts fast enough.

Me: He must have just missed.

Me:  Matt...

Me:  Matt...

Me:  Matt...

Matt: 10 (he seriously always does a little countdown for me when he is at work...💕)

Me: ⚡

***Ok. This was not an actual conversation, but there is a LOT of truth in it, so...just saying.

Totally my next cross-stitch project...

But I seriously feel like I should be dead by now.  How do humans survive such a constant onslaught?  I told Matt I think this might really be my year of jubilee, because I am FINALLY starting to work on the last aching wound in my heart.  And that's cool.  I'm grateful, but I'd really kind of thought maybe it would be MY jubilee, like I would be released to the presence of the Lord.  (I'm praying for chariots of fire, like Elijah, but...I have always tended to set my expectations a tad beyond what is realistic.)

And then we had to go to this funeral today, and it was a particularly hard one for me, and it seems we've passed from weddings and baby showers to funerals...and doesn't this life just REALLY kind of suck, so PAINFULLY sometimes?

But he said, "Kristen, you never know when you will die."

And I said, "True, Matt.  True."  And I began listing some options.

And he said, "You might die in your sleep tonight."

And I stopped and gave him a very literal, inquisitive look, "Will I die in my sleep tonight by YOUR hand?"

And he didn't think I was very funny, but I know he really did...at least on some level.  And when we were watching Rogue One (for like the millionth time, but...did you think it was ALWAYS about me??  I give a lot in this relationship, too!), he said, "I notice, in Star Wars, you seem to identify more with the droids than the humans."

And I kissed him.  It's just...such a relief to be married to someone who so clearly gets me.

I'm a fighter.  I fight.  I will continue fighting until I have no fight (or breath) left within me.  (I felt like I couldn't breathe a few times today.)

But every now and then...when things don't seem to be working out the way I have always tried them before, it's time to try something else.  So, I'm doing something new (and it was REALLY scary at first, but I don't know why because there is no consequence now that I can not overcome, especially with David on the lyre beside me). I'm...laying down my weapons.  I am walking back into the minefield, completely bare.  

(I'm talking figuratively here.)

You can shoot your guns at me.  You can strike me down.  You can abandon me to die alone...unless Matt gets there first.  😂  But I am coming out with warmth in my smile and a big yarn ball of love in my heart, and the shame be on the one who would wound a defenseless little bird.  Me!!!  I’m talking about me!  (Sigh.  Super huge eye roll.)

I've come a LONG way (from the last post, where I was blowing weaponized kisses at another driver), but I still have a LONG WAY to go.  I may look REALLY tough on the outside, but I'm actually quite fragile at the core.  And have YOU ever tried to care for a wounded animal???  

Oh, I sway...

 

My friend, Joe, once, after a full day of baseballs bouncing off my shins and a childish wrestling match to win one out of his hand, he looked at all the other guys and smiled, "She's the toughest one of us all."

Sometimes, when I'm feeling weak, I replay that moment in my head.

It never fails, when I'm going up the basement stairs, and I feel warm breath on my neck - a slow, tingling creeping up my spine - I'm tempted to run.  I want to flee.  I want to outrun those demons and never look back. 

Instead, I stop - right there on the bottom step.  I stop.  I force myself to turn around, and I face those monsters head on.  (Most of the time, there is nothing there.)

'Cause I'm not gonna run away, and I'm not leaving anyone behind.  And I might not know how to do this right, but I do know I'm going to have to scratch a bit against the grain.  And maybe this is the new estate we've all been looking for.  I'm not sure, but it never hurts to try, even if we fail... even if you fail me; because I'm the toughest one out of all of them, anyway, and at least I can say I tried.  

Rebellions are built on hope, and I've always been a little rebellious (I can hear Matt sighing as we speak, but he knows he is my focal point, my soothing balm, like David playing his Lyre for Saul...and he has set the boundaries for MY protection, and I only push them to ALMOST breaking...and never too far, love...never too far).  And faith is the assurance of things we hope for and the proof of things we cannot see.  And I really do hope for something different - something uncommon (I don't think anyone has ever accused ME of being too common.) - something even I can't imagine.  (And I like to think I have a pretty good one...???)

💕 Always, 

KSO   (Oh my goodness, you guys...I just noticed...that TOTALLY reads queso!!!)

PS - Should you catch me lashing out, you may have to remind me I said all of this.  I can get a little carried away with my over-enthusiasm and forget what I’ve promised.  😬. Sorry in advance!!